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grasp

September 21, 2013

Original —

grasp at love
flailing wildly
long leaps – but now we’re drowning – sinking deep
paddling with aimless feet that gain no purchase
each gasping breath a lunge choked from icy depths
while shivering hands seek anchor, any place to hold us
air fair or foul – something until love saves us.
Except –
It never does.

Revision 1

grasp at love
flailing wildly
long leaps – but now we’re drowning
sinking deep embraced by muted words
paddling with aimless feet that gain no purchase
each gasping breath lunged up from icy depths
shivering hands seek anchor
any place to hold us
air fair or foul
something until love saves us.
Except –
It never does.

I may rework this… suggestions invited – bw

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From → poetry

8 Comments
  1. I like the addition of “embraced by muted words”. You might consider putting a it on a separate line.

    .A suggestion: ( personal preference as always) you might rearrange a couple of lines and drop “something”.:

    each gasping breath lunged up from icy depths
    air fair or foul [relates to breath]
    shivering hands seek anchor
    any place to hold us
    until love saves us.
    Except –
    It never does.

    • thanks VB ! that makes it better. I will update for round 3 🙂

      Conversations like this are what I really like.

  2. pretty sad close, when love does not save us….you def convey a sense of feeling….claudia gave you some good suggestions there….

    • thanks – don’t you think that when love is needy it suffocates us – and drives the other away.

      When we love from a secure place then love is a powerful gift. I am reworking some lines now.

  3. I think I am with Claudia *smiles*

  4. tight emotions in this and a sad close.. when we have given up on love to save us..
    and since you asked for suggestions..smiles
    i would work out the rhythm a bit more with line breaks or re-arranging a bit (for example: but we’re drowning – now..)
    lung instead of lunge– typo…
    think i would leave the close more open.. instead of except it never does maybe if it ever does.. just my two cents..smiles

    • thanks Claudia –

      lunge is what we might do to move strongly up to air.
      reworked it a bit. I really appreciate your comments – bw

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