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leaves…. rewrites…

September 9, 2012

I recieved some advice on how to improve the meter of this poem…

which do you prefer?New

browning leaves once  tightly clasped
to branch but rattle amidst the breeze
as if to say, I was here, mark my place
lest I am forever gone

How glorious the shade of  summer
where we kicked off our shoes and
danced sheltered from the sun
and hard harsh illumination

but autumn deepens as does night
and one by one they drift away
released floating just beyond our grasp
what shelter from a barren tree

 

Original

memories, browning leaves so tenuously cling
to branch but rattle amidst the breeze
as if to say, I was here, mark my presence
lest I am forever gone

How glorious the shade of  summer
where we kicked off our shoes and
danced and lived protected from the sun
and hard harsh illumination

but autumn deepens as does night
and one by one they drift away
released floating just beyond our grasp
what shelter from a barren tree

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From → fiction, poetry

9 Comments
  1. I prefer the first verse from the original version and the second verse from rewrite. I’m clueless about meter, I just like the wording.

    • thanks — do you speak dutch now as well as English?

      • Heel klein beetje! I understand far more than I can speak. I never was very good at foreign languages, but I’m determined to learn, no matter how long it takes!

  2. Since you asked…I, too, prefer “danced sheltered” to “lived protected”, however, you have a second “shelter” in your last line. I also stumble over the “but” in your second line which might simply mean that I’m reading it incorrectly. You have good bones here and your poem is worthy of your extra effort.

    • thanks! I appreciate you taking the time to comment. I have a terrible habit of repeating words in close proximity. I think dialog about words and meter in a poem is insightful and helpful.

      bw

      • Intentional repetition can be effective.

        • agreed, I have realized that to write better poems I need to understand the nuts and bolts a bit better.

          I suppose one can build a serviceable house without a plan, but I would like to do better at least one time.

          thanks for your input

  3. thanks, as always I appreciate your input

  4. I prefer the line “danced sheltered from the sun”

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